I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Randomize
