DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
