My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
