I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize