$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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