I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
