I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize