his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
