why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
