I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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