I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
there is glitter all over my balls
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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