WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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