I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize