I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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