mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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