I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
