just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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