I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize