The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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