Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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