he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
