He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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