omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
