The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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