well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize