Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
