I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
