I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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