turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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