either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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