Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Randomize
