i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
