RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
