just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
