Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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