Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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