my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
