He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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