I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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