Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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