Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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