I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
