My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
