hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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