mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
