By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
