I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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