I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
