Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
