I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Two words: blizzard sex
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
