Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize