wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
