My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
