thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
