Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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