Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
