tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
