my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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