i need an iv and a liver transplant
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize