Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
