I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
